Sundaze: feel things deeply
loneliness & play
This is one of the hardest things I ever wrote. But the intention behind this Substack was to feel things deeply. Five years ago, I spent new year’s eve alone. I had moved to Chicago for work and while I found beautiful friendships I carry with me till today - on Dec 31, 2018, I didn’t have anyone to spend it with. Five years later, as fate would have it, I am spending new year’s eve alone - but this time, by choice. I started both mornings with a cup of cha, although my cha making skills have gotten far more superior. *pats self on back*
I write to you from my little desk that overlooks the big city. In my mind, I compare it to Aladdin’s hovel over Agrabah. It feels like magic. I’m leaning into it for the new year - this sense of calm and curated magic. 2023 has taught me a lot about myself, brought me closer to people I love, and given me clarity on the work that I do. It also brought me face to face with my loneliness.
Loneliness is an epidemic. Someone told me over dinner a few months ago that the cure is in community. While that may be true to some extent, the more I think about it - I realize you can be lonely in the biggest of cities with the most of friends. When you zoom out to consider cultural context and compare an individualist society to a collectivist kind, it becomes more apparent the connection between self and fulfillment. My mother said you can feel lonely even in a marriage. Your fulfillment comes from what you assign meaning to.
The answer is within us, we just have to find what fills our cup. This year brought me back full circle to my faith. When I accepted this feeling of isolation, it helped me get through it. And I rooted myself to a belief system that I had found myself straying from.
An excerpt from an old journal entry:
“Loneliness is here. It’s in my system. I feel it right now.
Put down your weapons against it.”
So as I start the new year and surround myself with the warmth of my loved ones, a beautiful community and a deeper connection to God - I am remembering to prioritize my state of mind. Holding onto the calm and magic.
To my dearest friends, I am ending the year with this final prompt for you:
What are you unwilling to feel?
We are unwilling to feel things that make us uncomfortable. So much so that sometimes it’s hard to even identify those feelings. If you are struggling with this prompt, introduce an element of play. When a relationship is in a rut, therapists encourage couples to find ways to be playful. In self-care, that can look like dancing in your living room, a long bath, a solo date, or even a good fiction book. Spending time with ourselves helps build trust within and it becomes much easier to confront things we are typically unwilling to feel.
Took myself out for matcha mousse cake and a long walk - Chicago, Dec 31, 2018
Solo date idea:
You are welcome to spend today with yourself. Or any way that fills your cup, as long as you promise to feel things deeply.
Thank you for spending the last day of the year with me.
I adore you.
Aaisha