Sundaze: Opt in, Opt out
role of emotion in society
Making sense of emotion in daily life, some reflection on its role in foreign policy and a prompt to encourage leaning in. Trying a new format:
Nil
I am thinking of how grief compounds into oblivion. Feeling so sad that it eventually leads to desensitivity towards emotion.
Emotional numbness is a psychological phenomenon that can occur when someone is overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. It's a coping mechanism that can lead to feelings of detachment, apathy, and a lack of interest in activities that were once enjoyable. (UnityPoint Health)
If you are reading this and thinking, “I feel numb but there is no real source of stress in my life.” Remember just three years ago, we survived a worldwide pandemic that took 3.4 million lives. [WHO, 2021]
Opt out
And then there are those who prefer to leave emotions out. Whether a coping mechanism, a trauma approach or simply a life strategy - it is still valuable to understand the role of emotions in today’s world. The lack of dissociation is also an emotional choice.
Kissinger was in/famously quoted for saying “Realism in foreign policy means careful consideration of all aspects pertinent to the issue, before taking a decision.” All aspects pertinent to the issue cannot exclude the motivations of its people and leaders. No government is run without ethos and pathos, no campaign is successful without appealing to a voter’s emotion.
During my time studying conflict at Columbia, one thing was evident. Emotions have impact on decisionmaking. At individual, national and international levels. I’ve even had people tell me you cannot think emotionally in politics - when the fact is much of power is attributed to society’s longing for interdependence. We try to frame feelings out of the problem. But the feelings are begging to be framed back into the problem. [Patton et al., 1999]
Opt In
In efforts to have a “logical” conversation, we leave feelings out. The issue is while you may reach a short term solution, the feelings stay. Your feelings need not be rational to be expressed. Thinking that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel will rarely change the fact that you do.
Feelings lurk under judgements, attributions, characterizations and perhaps the most commonly - problem-solving. I feel stressed and immediately go into problem-solving mode. “A. I feel unheard. B. It’s because we don’t talk as much as we should. C. Here’s a plan - I’m going to block time off our calendars and make time for each other.” Here’s what’s wrong with my approach, that I learned with the help of therapy and some reading:
Use the urge to blame to find important feelings. Often there is joint contribution to most problems. What is unsatisfying is, not the failure to express blame, but the failure to express feelings.
Describe feelings clearly, avoid venting. Too often we confuse expressing emotions with being emotional. They are different.
Share how you feel, without problem-solving or evaluating the situation. Step A is great - you identified what you are feeling. Start by sharing just that.
Think about a recent issue you’ve been facing. What feelings are lurking under the surface that you haven’t acknowledged yet?
P.S. Here is a picture of me in Vietnam, booking flights to run away from my problems. Against my better judgement.
P.P.S. I walked into a Five Guys and got a bag of peanuts and nothing else. The cashier nodded approvingly.
Resource:
Yael’s “Mindfulness for Resilience in Challenging Times”
Unrelated out of context tweet that made me laugh (disclaimer! personally enjoyed Past Lives):
https://x.com/jackslacie/status/1783749555382886686?s=46&t=qw7RC998rgPS5ZX_uNs9Og
