Sundaze: reciprocity in community

from individual to collective

Integration is the reciprocal of differentiation.

I think a lot about reciprocity. e.g. what I get is what I give. But then comes this math concept that kind of blew my mind. Intergration is the reciprocal of differentiation. The same way something can be broken a thousand times - the pieces, in theory, can be made whole again.

While I still feel strongly about this form of reciprocity in 1:1 interpersonal relationships, I can’t help but think if the American individualism has gone a bit too far? When was the last time we did something for the community just cause? Not because we were getting paid, or adding something to our resume, or chasing some sad niche clout - but just cause we wanted to make our community whole.

In calculus, differentiation is understood as dividing a part into many small parts, while integration is a collection of small parts that form a whole. We give even when we don’t get.

It’s very easy to blame something on our childhood or someone else and say “I don’t know how to give in this way because I was never taught it.” But in this concept, reciprocity lies for two opposite extremes, not in their likeness.

As I’ve learned many times in the past, the first step to decisionmaking is identifying and labeling what you are feeling. I recently went to a mentor/teacher and shared the self-doubt that stems from a childhood experience with a relative. How it’s made me bitter and keeps me second-guessing myself. While we can’t go straight to the sources always, sometimes it helps to have a conversation with the part of ourselves that feel that way. She walked me through this exercise:

When you experience X (for example, self-doubt), how do you physically feel in your body?

Now give this feeling a voice. Is this your own voice or someone else’s?

What qualities does this feeling hold? We identified the voice. Does it have a color?

What shape has it taken? What do you think the shape means?

Is it static or in movement?

If the meaning that you have assigned to the shape is negative, can you reframe it in a different way?

The reason we try to understand this feeling is to first humanize it. It’s just a feeling. Yet the feeling can overtake us. And to take bitterness from a childhood memory or a relationship with us into adulthood or a new experience will likely not help the case.

We can’t build communities if we don’t take care of ourselves. We can’t think of the greater good if we haven’t taken a moment to reflect on our own experience and how we show up in the world. Individualism and strict reciprocity will persist in a world we haven’t made amends with the parts of ourselves that feel small.

I personally think there is a lot of value in the western preference for invidualism, we allow for every person to step into their own. And I also believe most things should exist in moderation. When we only think of our needs, we fail to reciprocate as an integrative whole and fall behind as a collective. Lesson to myself first and foremost.

Love,

Aaisha